RIDDLE SPHYNX 

THE CATALONIAN PARADOX

MMXX

UNEDITED MANUSCRIPT SUBMISSION FOR Ph.D. REVIEW BOARD

NOT FOR RESALE

The information contained within this paper is under review. Please read with discretion. 

When a professional sperm donor in Las Vegas, New Mexico created an algorithm to trace the flight pattern of birds on https://zoom.earth/, he never expected it to be used for the purposes of evil. "I was just teaching myself to code," he said via a telephone interview. "It was meant to be a fun way to pass time between loads." Trouble started when he posted the code to GitHub. "I thought that other people would think it was cool," he said. "I didn't expect them to go bananas."

A Christian black hat network known as Aharef_Cross had other plans. They would quickly use the algorithm to point out a small grouping of Catelon parrots that were seemingly painting a howling coyote in the sky. "It looked more like an inbred dog," said the professional sperm donor, who wished to remain anonymous. "I thought it was a bunch of trolls, but I was wrong. I should've taken the code down."

The members of Aharef_Cross used a controversial form of polyhedral mathematics to turn the drawing into a numerical figure of 8 digits, which they interpreted to be the sign of an impending rapture event that will occur sometime in 2021.*



*We have elected to not include any specifics of the date, due to a fear of copy-cat syndrome effects.

THERE IS A COYOTE ON MY ROOF

Now I am not a brilliant philosopher (though I am brilliant and I have a philosopher) but I don’t think this is precisely supposed to be real.. …. . … …… the coyote is on my roof and it keeps shimmying and pattering in the beat of a Talking Heads song and I see it coming home and it’s just standing up there – this is the only time I can see it. Why the … is there a coyote on my roof? What the FUCK IS HAPPENING to me, do I have dementia? Now I’m not one to simply dismiss spiritual visions to schizophrenia you know like Mohammad, who’s to say he wasn’t communing with the Great Spirit World but he just turned it into this cosmic power struggle , because once you simply reject an ‘insane person’s’ experience then aren’t you reducing them to nothing, their entire subjective reality is negative and void and the check bounces in the bank of social reality – now you can’t tell me that’s not a fair piss of shit, but still I don’t know why there’s a coyote on my roof and I’m too afraid to ask anyone because , previously indicated psychiatric apprehensions, I don’t want to be labeled more of a fungus than I already am even though I’m sure some of them can see the fucking coyote on my roof too.

It’s a white coyote but has a blue shimmer at twilight, and it looks haggard. Please when you vcome over for tea please look for it , 3 twilights after Midsummer please please Im not crazy

Prosthetic Hand Photography

GIVE YOURSELF A HAND!

OR TWO

A cool tip for coin-op bloggers is to use prosthetic hands and mannequins instead of real models OR YOURSELF in your photoshoots. This allows you to control the camera and lighting.

 This is a great site for realistic hands: https://www.glamerliz.com/

Why use a silicone hand, when I've got one attached to me?

Good question. Your hand may just be ugly and tired from working the machines too long. Gaming has been known to shorten the fingers and fatten the hands. With a slim hand, piano-like hand, your posts on social media and blogs will get more likes. 

Does the silicone hand have a benefit after the photoshoot?

Yes. The cost will be high, but well worth it. You can use the same hand from the photos and wrap it around your coin-op games to condition them for future play. They will wear-in games like a pair of Birkenstocks. You can even get molds made of your own hands, which will be even better. 

There is no "Wrong" or "Right" silicone hand for this purpose. We recommend you use whatever fits your budget. 

DO NOT REPLY TO THIS POST. 

(Photos have been taken from Internet Searches on the Google)

WE WILL SURVIVE

Our company will survive the pandemic.
Disco-era pinball machines are available.

Router-guide for pinball plunger

We have created a custom router-guide for pinball plungers that have a better flow, release, and attack than what comes standard on most machines. The upgrade is optional and the difference in feel is subtle, but worth it for the pro-enthusiast. We prefer to use vintage shooter rods, which we tune in our shop, but if you would like a new construction, we can do that. Out router guide is secret and so after installation, we glue misdirections over it, similar to the interior of a Dumble amplifier (for those that know about guitars).

THE LAST TIME WE DID THIS, A GROWN MAN CRIED

This kind of modification to your machine with void the warranty, but we offer a lifetime guarantee of repairs if it alters the machine or a new model.*

The cost of this mod is based upon travel. Our blanket rate is $300 for inspection -- heck, that's our gas money to get out of our remote shop in the rural wilderness. 

COMPANY POLICY is that we will not work on machine with nudity or foul language. Pinball is a wholesome sport and we wish to keep it that way. MGBUY. 

Our rates will be significantly reduced if you provide lodging and meals. We will not negotiate rates without that condition being met. 

Our route-guide involves microphones, buttons, and USB lightning components, which we have created from scratch after heavy R&D. If you wish to be in the room while we make modifications, we will blindfold you, so you cannot steal our trademark secrets. In fact, this is all we will reveal:

"INFINITE JEST is just a really big book about my love affair with pinball." - David Foster Wallace, (RIP former client)**

*Subject to the list-price at the time of modification.

**Yes, our repairmen all wear bandanas that were designed by Wallace, shortly before his passing. YOU CAN NOT PHOTOGRAPH THEM. 

PANSPERMIA

Panspermia is the theory that life on earth developed from outer space jizz. Rather than life arising from some freak combustion of whatever and whatever - thermal vents, sewer blowjobs? - the theory posits instead that from another place in the galaxy where life has already developed, a comet containing fertile jizz landed and inseminated the early earth.

Now despite this being slightly far-fetched and begging the question of how life was invented in that other galactic poophole, one must recall that the Solar System developed out of the cosmic semen explosion of other stars, jizz-vomit, a massive cloud of dust and gas - see the Pillars of Creation - the idea is not entirely unlikely as there was a lot of goop banging around in the early genesis of our galactic corner. The Sun was probably developed out of a cosmic nursery along with many other suns. In this massive jizz cloud - see the Nebular hypothesis - it's not impossible that some old jizz rock with extremeophilic bacteria was lurking around from some discarded old spaceball with similar earth conditions, waiting to impregnate the young earth once it finally manifested.

The aliens put semen in our minds as we speak.

The Toppers West Coast Collective Ideas Lab and Manufacturing Company produces and designs rare, specialty parts for vintage pinball, coin-op, billiards, and air hockey tables. 

Do you want to convert your coin-op pool table to only accept Buffalo nickels? 

We've got you covered! 

Do you want your aluminum hardware replaced with luxury materials, such as gold and silver?

We've got you covered! 

Are you dying to have your initials engraved on every game you own?

We've got you covered! 

Our satisfied customers live all over the world and have this to say of us:

"TWCCILM gave my game room the upgrade I had always dreamt of. I'm planning an addition to the house just so I can work more with them."

-Koocher Staneth of Madison, WI

"I wanted a penny arcade and they delivered."

-Bustle White of Ontario, CA

"Pinballed never so good."

-Lumpita Botsregal of Jaipur, India

PLEASE NOTE: We take gigs on a case-by-case basis. Expect a response from a member of our team within twenty-one business days. Our shop is located in a rural area. Internet and phone reception can be spotty at best. 

IF YOU PLAN TO VISIT US IN-PERSON - DON'T!!!

PRICES VARY.

© Toppers West Coast Collective Ideas Lab and Manufacturing Company